2004: The Year to End All Years

     In retrospect, 2004 was a year with many names. It was the year of the easy political joke, featuring an election with an incumbent President who shared a name with a euphemism for the female genitalia, whose vice president shared a name with a euphemism for the male genitalia. They, of course, ran against a couple of guys who shared names with a slang word for toilets. This was the year of the Hurricane, where Florida's growing population realized why there was so much empty land to inhabit. It was the year of a free Iraq, or at least one for the highest bidder. This year we were visited with the issue of gay marriages, where the question of a Constitutional amendment banning civil unions went down faster than, well, you get the idea. It was the year of the magnetic car ribbon, where John and Jane Q. Public decided the best way to support our troops and show their peers how caring they could be, was to donate millions of dollars in aid to the wallets of the CEOs of companies that make magnetic car ribbons. Lastly, it was the year of the monkey, but don't ask me about that- it's a Chinese thing.
      What follows is a month by month account of the news that made 2004 what it was- whether it be tragic, mind boggling or downright ridiculous, let us never forget the year that passed, or else we may be doomed to repeat it. For the kids, just for fun, when you're done with them, try reading these out loud like a real newscaster. Enjoy!

January:

4th: The people of Afghanistan approve a new Constitution in order to respond to a rapidly changing society. Among the new Constitution's main changes is the renaming of the country the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan and the granting of equal rights to women. In a related story, Afghani Islamic Republicans are furious at allegations made by other Islamic states that they are turning soft on the female issue.
14th: President Bush proposes another journey to the Moon by 2020 which will subsequently be followed by a manned journey to Mars. Bush claims, "We will be sending up ambassadors to the Moonenites and Martianites, to try to get some of them delicious moon pies and Mars bars sent here."
16th: Michael Jackson appears in court, pleading not guilty to seven counts of lewd conduct with a minor under 14 and two counts of giving intoxicants to a child. Jackson, in his defense, says, "I just wanted to share the magical juice of the pixies with the children! Plus, all the children I didn't drug eventually came out to the cops and sued me. I mean, it's getting ridiculous."
19th: Much to everyone's surprise, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry takes the democratic primary in Iowa on the promise that, "He most assuredly believes in the same things as everyone in the country." When asked about people who believe in different and mutually exclusive ideals, Kerry responds, "That's right, the Heinz Ketchup magnate. Next question." Shortly thereafter, Vermont Governor Howard Dean, once the Democratic front runner, addressing his shocking defeat, claims, with exuberance and the eye of a madman, that he will go into every state to win the people over, and his campaign would march on. The outburst of emotion shocks the American public, who immediately dismiss Dean's candidacy. John Kerry, seeing this unfold, calls an emergency press conference, his second of the night, vowing, "to never show even the slightest emotion about anything at all, ever," a promise he has kept up to this day. Political experts believe this ultimately cost Kerry the presidency.
20th: Bush delivers his State of the Union Address. He skips over many pertinent issues, such as the failure to find Iraqi WMDs and the growing deficit, but allays his constituents when he outlines his plans to honor the memory of Dale Earnhardt with a White House Issued Commemorative Plate, soon to be available online for $19.95, plus shipping.

February:

1st: -Scientists discover the new elements Ununtrum and Ununpentium, elements 113 and 115, respectively, on the Periodic Table. However, they still can't give me my damn flying car.
-250 Muslims are killed in a stampede at a devil-stoning ceremony commemorating the end of the hajj. When asked to comment, the United States replied, "Good luck trying to hit us from Mecca, sucker."
-In what is dubbed as the “greatest story of our lives” by FOX News' John Gibson, Janet Jackson's breast is exposed to a shocked and speechless world during her live duet with Justin Timberlake during the Super Bowl Halftime Show on CBS. The flashing is immediately attributed to a “wardrobe malfunction,” which is way funnier than any fake quote I could hope to make up.
3rd: -Sen. Joe Leiberman drops out of the Presidential Race after John Kerry racks up wins in primaries in Missouri, Delaware, Arizona, New Mexico, and North Dakota, claiming, "a Jew has as much chance of winning the Presidency as a Black Lesbian Woman convicted of Arson."
-Ricin is found in Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist's office, sparking the closing of three federal office buildings in Washington, D.C. This immediately gains the title, "Biggest Story of the Year," and news stations promise "24-hour, up to the minute updates." In reality, the coverage lasts 18 hours because...
4th: Massachusetts becomes the first US state to allow gay marriages, after the state Supreme Court decides it would be unconstitutional to bar same-sex unions. When approached for comment, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry comments, "Yes, yes I was a war hero. Next question."
5th: Armed rebellion rocks the country of Haiti, killing many members of government, military personnel, and civilians. Eventually, the violence leads to the US-supported resignation of Jean-Bertrand Aristide. When asked about potential UN involvement, Secretary General Kofi Annan states, "I bet this never would have happened if they'd changed their name from Haiti to Lovei like I had asked them to."
11th: Wesley Clark drops out of the Presidential Race after John Kerry wins the primaries in Virginia and Tennessee. The astonished Clark bemoans, "It's almost like Madonna and Ted Danson's support meant nothing to the American people!"
12th: -South Korean scientists claim to have successfully cloned 30 human embryos and removed stem cells from them. The Pope, who suffers from Parkinson's Disease, when asked to balance the issues of religious morality with the hope for a cure for his and other degenerative diseases, drooled on himself and fell asleep.
-85 gay couples marry in San Francisco. It would be 86, but officials decide at the last minute to count Rosie O'Donnell as a man. "Oh yeah? I'll show you!" an outraged Rosie proclaims.
18th: Howard Dean formally drops out of the race for the Presidency. His concession speech, infamously dubbed "The Scream," concludes with a seemingly outraged Dean yelling, "I will go to Vermont! And eat Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia! With Maple Syrup! And my family will visit the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory! And Buy Some Antiques!" Dean then pushed the podium over, and walked off-stage.
24th: -Russian President Vladimir Putin fires his Prime Minister and his whole cabinet claiming, "All this voting, these checks and balances, this. . .'people's rule' is getting in the way of true Russian Democratic Reform"
-President Bush urges a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriages, arguing, "My advisers told me it was unconstitutional to ban it, so we gonna just go right in and change that Constitution. That'll show that ACLU."
26th: John Jay College in New York City reports that 10,667 children were abused by 4,392 priests in the past 50 years. When asked if this could spur the permital of marriages in the Catholic clergy, Antonio Bachagalupe, the Pope's head spokescardinal, answered, "Absolutely not. We will just have to do a better job covering this up… that is, hring pedophiles.."
29th: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King wins a record-tying eleven Oscars. In a heartbreaking bout of bad luck, the movie barely misses out on the twelfth Oscar and the record, when it is beaten by Gigli in the category for “Hairiest Feet.”

March:

2nd: -John Kerry wraps up the Democratic nomination, winning nine of ten Super Tuesday primaries. The next day North Carolina Senator John Edwards drops out of the race. When asked if he is worried about his political future, Edwards replied, "Are you kidding me? Why would I worry? My Q-rating is through the roof! I'm the cute one! If the 2004 Democratic Presidential candidates were the Backstreet Boys, I'd so be Nick Carter. He is such a dreamboat."
-The NASA robot Opportunity finds signs that water once covered a small crater on Mars. Thirteen days later, NASA reports that they've discovered Sedna, a new planet-like body locater in our own solar system. In related news, I still can't find my car keys. NASA officials are on full alert.
5th: Martha Stewart is found guilty on four counts of obstruction of justice, stemming from her controversial sale of the stock ImClone. Stewart, on the steps of the federal court building in New York City, proclaims, "This is a ridiculous witch hunt, literally. I will search until I die for the real obstructers."
11/29th: San Francisco bans gay marriage and Massachusetts passes a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, citing federal laws. "Plus," they both agreed, "it's just icky, right?”
11th: Spain is rocked by terrorism as bombs explode on four trains, killing 202 and wounding about 1400. Three days later, as a direct result, Spain's ruling Popular Party is upset by the Socialist Party led, much to the chagrin of Chevy Chase, by General Francisco Franco.
14th: Russian President Vladimir Putin is overwhelmingly elected to a second term, taking nearly sixty percent of the vote. When asked to what he owes his success, Putin merely points to his campaign slogan, "Vote for me or you will die in Siberia." Josef Stalin rises from the dead and applauds.
26th: The Senate votes, by a 61-38 margin, in favor of legislation making it a crime to harm a fetus while committing a crime against a pregnant woman. In order to quell possible pro-choice protesters, the Senate makes it very clear, however, that it is still acceptable to harm a woman while killing a fetus. Pro-life advocates finally just give up, shake their heads, and head home for good.

April:

3rd: William Hung finally drops off the face of the earth. After his asking for thousands of dollars for sub-Karaoke level appearances to cover already crappy Ricky Martin songs was the breaking point for clubs, Hung finally realizes she'd no longer be banging, and it is time to start living la vida broke-a.
7th: In order to “get away from the emotionally draining issues of the 9/11 commission, Iraq, and the upcoming election,” President Bush takes a two week vacation to Nashville, Tennessee where he begins work on his forthcoming country music album. Titled, Tales from the Burning Bush, it will feature soon to be classics like “Iraq Around the Clock,” “We Will Iraq You,” and, of course, “Bin Laden is a Homosama.”
8th: In her testimony in front of the September 11th commission, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice claims that “there was no silver bullet” that could have prevented the 9/11 terrorist attacks. She did, however, admit that this is irrelevant, seeing as how terrorism isn't a werewolf, and admits that, “there was a whole buttload of intelligence that could have prevented the attacks, though.”
15th: Thabo Mbeki, President of the AIDS ravaged South Africa, and the only world leader to claim there is no proven link between HIV and AIDS (and to maintain that AIDS may not even exist) is re-elected, taking 70% of the vote. This is not a joke, it's a tragedy.
23rd: President Bush ends the Reagan-era trade ban with Libya, citing an end to its nuclear weapon plan. In a highly publicized speech, Bush claims he has been in favor of this move for years, and he would have lifted the ban in 2002, but he had to learn how to pronounce both Libya and nuclear first.
29th: As a remembrance of the sixty year anniversary of World War II, the US opens the World War II memorial in Washington, D.C. to honor the sixteen million Americans who served in the war. Elsewhere in the world in other celebrations of the anniversary, Germany annexes Poland, and French President Jacque Chirac formally surrenders to two German tourists who were taking a holiday in the Ardenne.
30th: The Iraq prison abuse scandal breaks, when 60 Minutes II on CBS airs graphic photos of smiling US troops torturing prisoners in Abu Gharib prison. Unfortunately, 60 Minutes II aired opposite FOX's The Simple Life II: More Spoiled Bitches! and no one noticed the pictures until they were re-aired several days later.

May:

1st: The EU expands, finally adding the fledgling countries of Asia and Spice World. Not to be outdone, NATO starts unexpectedly admitting wealthy businessmen and multinational corporations and announces plans to rename NATO “Vagisil Presents NATO,” after the company bids a record $4 billion dollars for naming rights.
6th: The FDA rejects the potential sale of the morning after pill. Grafty "James" Sullivan, the head of the FDA, comments, "Although it went against the advice of our expert panel, we felt that the sale of morning after pills would dramatically reduce the number of kids had by Americans and, thus, dramatically decrease the next generation's population. We can not afford this lost generation- our kids will have no one to pay for their Social Security. Somebody please think of the children!"
11th: President Bush imposes economic sanctions on Syria, noting, among a laundry list of complaints, that Syrian leaders kept interrupting the American ambassador's speech at the UN by raising their hands and loudly chanting "We Holla for Allah!"
16th: The Bush Administration alters its AIDS policy, allowing African and Caribbean countries to buy AIDS drugs much cheaper. Granted, of course, that Bush can learn and remember the names and pronunciations of both the countries and leaders that applied for the discount. An immediate sigh is made by Mamadou Tandja, president of Niger, who realizes his AIDS torn country will meet neither of the two requirements, considering the disaster last time Bush tried to pronounce “Niger.”
17th: -Gay marriages begin in Massachusetts. When he is asked at a campaign trail pit stop what he thought about this issue, Kerry laughs harmlessly, kisses an American flag, and waves a baby.
23rd: The roof collapses at Charles de Gaulle Airport near Paris, killing five. France almost immediately surrenders to Gravity. Later in the day, after it is finally reached for comment, Gravity states, "Let the Frenchmen have France, Gravity is more attracted to things with more substance."
26th: Heavy rains cause almost 2000 deaths from flooding in Haiti and the Dominican Republic. Elsewhere, in America, the state of Florida sits back and kicks its feet up, exhausted after a long shuffleboard game, content in its safe dormancy.
27th: Courts uphold laws allowing doctors to assist in terminal patients suicides. Doctor Jack Kevorkian, who was in jail for assisting in such suicides, snaps and, in a fit of rage, starts euthanizing other inmates left and right, yelling “life is the only terminal disease.” He is later subdued with tranquilizers and prepared for release.

June:

1st: A study sponsored by the National Institute for Mental Health finds that drugs like Prozac are more effective than psychotherapy alone. The Panel adds, "additionally, they make our jobs a hell of a lot easier, right? Plus, ka-ching!"
3rd: CIA Director George Tenet unexpectedly resigns after seven years, sighting 9/11 oversights, Iraq intelligence failures, and the public embarrassment he suffered after it was revealed he got drunk one night before an interview and exposed himself to Connie Chung.
6th: World leaders, including the heads of the US, Germany, Russia, England, and Australia, commemorate the anniversary of D-Day by landing at Omaha Beach in Normandy, France in an old fashioned US Army transport. French President Jacque Chirac, who "somehow never got his invitation" and was unaware of the plans, blows Le Corne Des Napoleon in an act of great bravery, summoning the French Army to fight for its very freedom! No, just kidding, he surrendered.
16th: The 9/11 Panel contradicts White House reports, claiming that there is no link between Iraq and al-Qaeda, or any evidence of Saudi funding of the terrorist group, calling the White House's response, "chaotic." President Bush holds an immediate press conference to respond to these issues in a forward and informative manner, but just ends up saying, “They called us chaotic. But, in reality, it is the panel who are the chaots [sic],” before the press laughed him off stage.
21st: Michael Melvil, the first person to reach space in a privately developed aircraft, also becomes the first person to reach space in a privately developed aircraft to die in re-entry.
22nd: The erotic legal-thriller "My Life" by first time author William J. Clinton breaks sales records, selling 500,000 copies on its first day of release.
28th: US hands over Iraq to Iraqis when Iyad Allawi is sworn in as Prime Minister. Iraqi citizens are outraged and demand a recount. US Leaders just smile and hug because, really, kids grow up so fast.

July:

1st: Recently deposed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein appears in court and is arraigned on charges of crimes against humanity. Hussein, who chose to defend himself, claims he had years of US support militarily and economically during Iraq's war with Iran, and that former President Bush gave him latent consent to invade Kuwait. He later questions what he called "typical US hypocrisy," pointing to US-Latin American policy in the 80s, and the CIAs support of numerous cout-de-tats in democratically elected socialist states. Well, thats what a Michael Moore "documentary" said about it. Actually, the only Arabic translator was in the bathroom, and Saddam's testimony was lost to time.
6th: John Kerry chooses his old nemesis John Edwards as his running mate. In a surprising bout of emotion, Kerry lauds Edwards for "his tremendous support in both focus groups and in 'swing states,'” calling his decision, “pure mathematical sense.”
11th: The 15th Global AIDS Conference opens in Bangkok. Two weeks later, the 4th International Hemorrhoid Conference opened in Butte, Montana. Look for both conferences to meet next year just down the highway from Hershey, in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
12th: President Bush removes the ban on logging in national forests, stating, "It is time for the forests to learn to protect themselves. My daddy always told me 'Give a man some fish and he won't learn nothing. . . teach a man to fish and he'll eat some. Right."
14th: The Senate votes, by a 50-48 margin, against a proposed Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriages. Senate majority leader Bill Frist, commenting on the controversial vote, says, "we were all poised to vote in favor of the amendment, but me, Chuck [Hagel] (R-NE), Johnny [Ensign] (R-NV), and Don [Nickles] (R-OK) were working late last night and caught a very special Will and Grace, where Jack revealed that people with flamboyant tastes are still people, and turned our votes right around. Plus, the 10th Amendment and all..."
15th: The US Government officially begins to recognize obesity as an illness, thus allowing “the disease” to be covered by insurance. In a related story, Wal-Mart immediately files for bankruptcy.
21st: Stephen Hawking astonishingly reverses his theory on Black Holes, claiming that information can, in fact, be retrieved from black holes. When asked how the enormous forces of gravity could now theoretically be surmounted when previously they were thought as too intense, Hawking answered, "anything is possible when you believe in the works of David Blaine."

August:

1st: The US Government raises the terror alert for NYC, Washington, D.C., and Newark, citing disturbing intelligence that "the $445 billion budget shortfall announced two days earlier had been highly unpopular, and it was time to wag the dog.”
3rd: Missouri voters approve an amendment banning gay marriage, the first state to do so. When approached for comment, it is found, surprisingly, that Missouri's two remaining gays had already moved out.
12th: New Jersey Democratic Governor James McGreevy announces both his gay love affair and his plans to resign. When asked why he had announced it on a Thursday afternoon instead of the typical Friday morning resignation, McGreevy answered, "Well, I was going to announce it last Friday, but I had to sell my new home in Branson, Missouri and do some house shopping." In an oddly related story, the state of California annuls 4000 gay marriages. Rosie O'Donnell breathes a sigh of relief and states, "Life sure is funny, ain't it."
13th: -Florida is hit by Hurricane Charley, just one day after being hit by Tropical Storm Bonnie. Florida just sits back, though, laxly confident this will be the last they'd be hearing about these so-called cyclones.
-The Summer Olympics open in Athens. Bad budgeting, flawed time management, and errors in construction forced the cancellation of highly anticipated events such as track and field, swimming and weightlifting, and replace them with makeshift events like procrastinating, sleeping late, and, of course, nude sunbathing. Needless to say, the Greeks registered a clean sweep in all new events, except, of course, the Bikini Waxalon.
16th: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez barely survives a recall. Jimmy Carter, who is in Venezuela to make sure the elections were fair, when asked about the surprising result, answers "Yes, who would have thought Castro could buy more votes than OPEC! The time has come for diplomacy with Cuba."
24th: Vice President Dick Cheney officially breaks from the Bush Administration, saying he stands in favor of gay civil unions. The next week, at the end of a stunning reality event on the FOX network, Cheney accepts the President's marriage proposal and they are now looking for a nice apartment in Height-Ashbury.
25th: The Bush Administration reverses all its previous claims, finally admitting that climate change is the result of global warming. Its claims are one thing and its policies are another, however, and those remain cemented and unchanging.

September:

1st: -Terrorists in Russia take over an elementary school, holding about 1200 men, women, and children hostage. Despite around the clock negotiations, 340 of the hostages are killed before the end of the standoff several days later. Russian President Vladimir Putin immediately confronts the Russian public, promising “to remove the public fear of terrorism, and replace it by a good old fashioned fear of the government,” and he announces new, harsher penalties for lawfully assembling, and freely speaking.
-Prosecutors drop rape charges against the Los Angeles Lakers' star Kobe Bryant, citing the accuser's refusal to testify amidst a growing number of death threats. Let me extend a warm and highly sarcastic “Thanks” to those people who let fantasy league stats derail the path of justice – you represent America well. Now, I'm not saying Kobe was guilty, but justice should have at least been served.
4th: Florida is hit by Hurricane Frances which does $40 billion of additional damage to the state. Nervous Floridians start panicking, but rest assured because TV evangelist Jerry Falwell promises to pray for them (except blacks, Jews, and those damn teenagers). Floridians almost immediately give up working and worrying, and get back to waiting for anyone else to do things for them.
6th: Former President Bill “Slick Willy” Clinton undergoes quadruple bypass surgery. Surprised doctors are still trying to figure out how Clinton managed to get four bacon double cheeseburgers lodged in his arteries in the first place.
8th: In a move that costs him the evening newsman's two main “R's”- respectability and ratings- CBS' Dan Rather claims that CBS news has discovered memos alleging that President Bush received special treatment during his time served in the National Guard. The memos turn out to be obvious forgeries. When asked how both CBS and he could be so easily duped, Rather answers, “As a serious reporter, it is my responsibility to get these kinds of stories right, closely verifying any and all claims, but I had fifty bucks riding on Kerry, and I'll be damned if [Bill] O'Reilly'll beat me this year.”
13th: Vladimir Putin, Russian President, is criticized by the international community for his new policies, which international leaders claim will result in a consolidation of power and a rollback of democracy. An astonished Putin, in a conference call to world leaders, asks where they had been for four years, and tells them to save their protests for when Putin bans the independent media in 2005.
14th: A group advising the FDA urges drug companies to warn parents and doctors that prescribing antidepressants to teenagers and children may increase their risk of committing suicide. The group added, “but, then again, it may not. Also, don't forget about the contributions of heavy metal and rap music, stress, school, the real world, and. . . we're forgetting something. . . oh yes, the depression they're on the antidepressants to cure towards potential suicides. So, go figure, huh.” In related news, the National Institute for Mental Health immediately retracts its previous study claiming, “Originally, our calculations were based on the formula “more prescriptions equals more money,” but this panel made us realize that more suicides equals less patients which equals less money and that just will not do!” Hippocrates raises from the dead so he can throw himself on a pyre.
15th: -UN Secretary General Kofi Annan officially criticizes the US war on Iraq, claiming it violates the UN Charter. Annan comments, “The French and Russian delegates vetoed the war, reminding me that they will no longer be able to benefit from their illegal oil deals with Saddam. Additionally, a free Iraq is one where my family can no longer reap the immeasurable cash benefits of a flawed and heavily corrupted oil-for-food program.”
-Hurrican Ivan hits Florida and Alabama. Heavily panicking Floridians immediately burn down the National Hurricane Center in Miami in order to make certain that this tragedy could never happen again.
16th: A report is published claiming that inspectors have found no evidence that Iraq had restarted weapon production by the start of the war. The report did, however, report that Saddam Hussein had, indeed, intended to start these programs up. When asked whether or not this supported his original claims, President Bush responds, “Actually, to be honest, I find the issue to be highly irreverent [sic.] We gave up on that potential justification months ago, like we gave up on the al-Qaeda links. Get with the times- he was a hindrance to democracy, to free rule by Iraqis. Only we can force that on them.”
26th: Hurricane Jeanne hits Florida, setting a record by becoming the 117th Tropical System to hit Florida in a 40 day span.
30th: President Bush and Senator Kerry meet in the first Presidential debate. The debate, which is supposed to confront both candidates with serious questions about their specific policies on important global and domestic issues, devolves, not surprisingly, into a discussion about one key issue – Nothing.

October:

1st: Mount Saint Helens erupts for the first time in more than twenty years. Even though there were no deaths, damage, or even injuries, the American public is still subjected to four straight days of 24-hour live video of the volcano on every news channel, while they waited for a real news story to break. That comes four days later when. . .
5th: -Chiron Corporation, makers of half the country's flu vaccines, announces that their portion has been contaminated and must be destroyed. Twenty-four-hour news channels instantly deduce that this means there will be a shortage, and this, instantly, becomes the Story of the Year. Days of day-long coverage are dedicated to the issue, despite the fact that no additional news breaks about this story. Viewers are aroused into a frenzied panic when experts, who spend hours going over worst-case scenarios, predict that the yearly death toll from the flu may nearly quadruple, rising from two to 7.5.
-Vice President Dick Cheney and Senator John Edwards meet in the only Vice Presidential debate. The debate consists solely of Cheney being glib and scowling, and Edwards being glib and grinning like a moron.
8th: President Bush and Senator Kerry meet for their second debate. The debate, scheduled to be conducted in a town hall fashion, ended after just fifteen minutes when John Kerry, responding to Bush's mispronunciation of his own name, runs off stage after accidentally smiling.
9th: Afghanistan holds its first elections. Amidst high voter turnout, President Hamid Karzai beats out 17 other candidates. Even though preliminary results will not be announced for fifteen days, Karzai's rivals immediately claim corruption and fraud, forcing the UN to come in and assure the election was fair. US Leadership smacks their collective forehead in unison. “Protesting before you know you lost. That's Brilliant! How did we not think of that? Our kids really teach us something new every day, you know.”
14th: Bush and Kerry meet in the final scheduled debate before the election. The debate, which is supposed to aid in the tough decision making process of undecided voters, takes a strange turn when Bush and Kerry agree that, regardless of which one of them wins, it will be a victory for the rich. The two men then spend the remainder of the debate reminiscing about their spare vacation homes, comparing bank accounts, and remembering the “good ole' Yale Days.”
21st: The Boston Red Sox pull off the most stunning comeback in sports history, beating the New York Yankees to advance to the World Series. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner blames the soul crushing loss on “overspending” and “underachieving,” promising to “dramatically cut the payroll” and stick to “developing our own minor league talent instead of hiring mercinary free agents.” No, just kidding that's less likely to happen than France making it through a war.
29th: Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat, who had been suffering from intense stomach pains, travels to a Paris Hospital to be examined. Upon his arrival, the French, led by a delegation of French doctors, surrender to Arafat, who quickly renames France “New Palestine” and calls for the relocation of Palestinians. Middle East violence ceases completely, leading to a new Pax Arabica.

November:

3rd: President Bush maintains the title of President, and, in a bigger story, it only takes one day after the actual election to figure it out! Way to go team! In his concession speech, a visibly choked up Senator Kerry states that it is only the recent plastic surgery and Botox injections that are preventing him from frowning. Senator Edwards, though, promises to “continue fighting just as long as my Q-rating is higher than my IQ.” Shortly after, a noticeably tired Bush announces, “Ever since I was a kid, it was always my dream to be twicely [sic.] elected President of the Confederacy.” He then promises to “learn them blue yanks up something proper.” In other election news, star of the hit movie Junior, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is elected Governor of the state of California. He ultimately wins over the state by promising to let all aspiring actors and actresses star with him in his next movie, a move that gets him 98% of the deluded Los Angeles vote.
4th: Yassir Arafat, First President of New Palestine, lapses into a coma after the UN announces it will immediately turn New Palestine back over to the French. He dies one week later. His supposed last words are “Not again.”
9th: Attorney General John Ashcroft, who once lost an election to a dead man even though he was the incumbent, announces, along with the Commerce Secretary Don Evans, that he will resign. These two men become the first of a cavalcade of notable Bush cabinet members to resign, including Secretary of State Colin Powell, Secretary of Energy Spencer Abraham, and the first Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, when asked if she intended to resign as well, responds, “Absolutely not. I'm being promoted to Secretary of State and, though its degrading to be a rich white man's secretary again, I promised the President I'd stick with him until he could spell my name.”
21st: The Presidential election in the Ukraine erupts into turmoil after Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovich beats opposition leader Viktor Yuschenko by a small margin. International Observers note serious flaws in the election, namely the use of initials instead of full last names on the ballot.
30th: -Kweisi Mfume, president of the NAACP, resigns, citing that he just can't bring himself to use the term “colored people” anymore.
-Ken Jennings, the soft-spoken and hyper intelligent Jeopardy champion finally loses, after racking up 74 straight wins and amassing $2,522,700 in winnings. Much to everyone's surprise, Jennings lost after incorrectly answering the Final Jeopardy question “Stephen Hawkings” instead of “the Pooper Scooper,” a move that caused Jennings to curse for the first time in his life.

December:

7th: A new intelligence bill passes through the House, en route to approval in the Senate and an eventual signing by the President, calling for a dramatic overhaul of the intelligence heirarchy. The bill, advanced by President Bush, would reorganize American intelligence agencies, and would consolidate all intelligence into one man, the omniscient Santa Claus. “I am glad we could get this signed and put into effect in time for the Christmas season,” Bush explains to a confused public. “We figure if Santa knows when we're sleeping and awake, and who has been bad or good, he can help us catch all evildoers. Plus his intelligence can never be questioned.” Bush later adds, “In reality Mr. Claus was our second choice, but Jesus was already busy running the Starbucks Corporation.”
8th: -The UN reports that there are now nearly one billion chronically hungry people in the world, and they estimate that five million children die every year from hunger and malnutrition. The Bush Administration takes immediate initiative, working day and night on solutions. The answer comes fourteen days later, when the Bush administration announces that it will reduce global food aid by over $100 million dollars. This is not a joke either.
-Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld comes under fire by US troops stationed in Iraq for failing to provide sufficient armor for army trucks. Rumsfeld responds, “First of all, the US Budget for defense is only $401.3 billion and our binding contracts demand that we pay at least $12 billion per truck. Second of all, we must first worry about getting armor to our troops, then we can worry about their trucks. Third, if you troops are so unhappy, I will be more than happy to review any requests you have to be sent home. In fact, I will personally sign your rejections myself, since I'm not busy signing any letters of condolence.”
15th: The US Missile Defense system faces a main setback when a major test fails after an interceptor missile spontaneously shuts down. George Lucas, in a press conference from his Skywalker Ranch, laughs, proclaiming, “At last! Star Wars is mine again! That's what you get for copyright infringement, America!”
17th: The European Union begins a 10 year process to allow Turkey's inclusion in the group. When asked why it would take ten years to include Turkey, when so many of its members aren't even ten years old, Reginald Yokuv, the EU Spokesman, answers curtly, “because those countries didn't have to undergo the eight year process of public whiteification and christization.”
26th: A massive earthquake registering a 9.0 on the Richter Scale shakes Sumatra, an island in Indonesia, causing the island to move an astounding 100 feet. Additionally, in what might be the greatest human tragedy since 9/11, or at least any of our lives, nearly 150,000 people [the figure at the time of publishing] are reported dead from tsunamis that stretched from Indonesia to Africa. Thousands more are reported missing. The region gets millions of dollars in aid from the US, as well as other countries, celebrities, and concerned citizens trying to help. Also, the CEOs of companies that manufacture magnetic car ribbons announce a new Tsunami Relief ribbon, whose proceeds will go right oversees to their offshore bank accounts.

Deaths and Births-

In addition to all this, the following notable public figures passed on this year. (note: this list is, obviously, highly abridged.)

Darrell Abbott, 38, December 9th
Marlon Brando, 80, July 1st
Ray Charles, 73, June 10th
Julia Child, 91, August 13th
Rodney Dangerfield, 82, October 5th
Spalding Gray, 62, January
Rick James, 56, August 6th (bitch)
Estee Lauder, 97, April 24th
Janet Leigh, 77, October 3rd
Tug McGraw, 59, January 5th
Jerry Orbach, 69, December 29th
Tony Randall, 84, May 17th
President Ronald Reagan, 93, June 5th
Christopher Reeve, 52, October 10th

On a happier note, the following celebrities celebrated birthdays this year:

All of them!

Happy Birthday Celebs!!

(note: the preceding piece has been satirical. While the stories, events, and moments actually happened, the quotes, statistics, and conclusions were merely researched to the best of my ability [actually, i made them up.])