Ask Dr. Answer Dude

The bipolar bear felt a little under the weather this week, and needed to recharge his bearterries, so, as a fill in, we’ve taken the most recent article from nationally syndicated and Pulitzer Prize nominated columnist, Dr. Answer Dude. I hope you guys like this; it cost us 500 dollars for syndication rights. I told him it was a bad idea, but anyway, enough of me going on. Without further ado, this week’s Ask Dr. Answer Dude.

Hello out there, loyal readership. I am back with yet another installment of Ask Dr. Answer Dude, the only article in the world that takes every letter from my P.O. Box and private email address, and answers them no matter what! My lawyers have informed me, however, that, due to last week's “exorcise demons with battery acid” fiasco, I am currently wanted in 13 states. They have advised me to leave the country as soon as possible, and to give up on this terrible, pointless mess of a career. But if the “eat a bucket of paint to cure herpes” debacle and the “how to commit insurance fraud” bungle won't stop me, neither will 27 dead and 56 injured. So let's dive right in!

First up is a letter from loyal reader Pamela Strapp from Spokane, WA. Pamela writes:

Q: Dear Dr. Answer Dude,

I think you’ll find that your warning from last month “step on no pets” is a palindrome.

Love,
Pam

A: Well done! So is “Tuna nut!” (optional French version “I’m a tuna nut, ami!”)


Surprisingly, I also received two letters from unrelated plumbers named Frank out of Cedar Rapids, IA, reading the Cedar Rapids Chronicle-Review. Both men wrote:

Q: Dr. Answer Dude-

Hi! My Name is Frank!!
-Frank

A: Hey, Fellas!


Our close friend, Captain Tim, from a country estate in French British Columbia, sent me this gem:

Q: Qu'obtenez-vous quand un ours?
Épuisez Le Yaourt!

A: Ha ha ha! What!??! Is that British or Columbian? I’m sorry, dude, I don’t speak either.


Just today I received a letter from our colleague, Don, who just so happens to be my roommate.

Q: Dude,
Rent is due tomorrow. You still owe me, plus last month. I need 1200 by tomorrow afternoon.
Dave

A: Bro, I mailed your check out last Thursday! But if you really want, I’ll go down to the bank and cancel the check for like 20 bucks, get a new check certified for like 10 bucks, go down to the post office and have it overnighted for another 10 bucks… or how about I just give you your cat back and we call it even?


By far the most interesting submission this week was from a Mr. Landsend who, with a large photo album of his family and friends, sent in the following query:

Q: When out strolling by a tree-lined lake on a crisp autumn evening, wouldn’t you prefer a shoe that makes you feel light and effervescent like a bubbling Chardonnay? If so, our Subarctic Siberian-tested Weathertektm Boots [sizes 2-13 (mens), 1-14EE (womens)] will fit you like our fresh leather glove with lamb fur interior (page 43).

A: That is both fantastic and beautiful, like you and your significant other drinking one daiquiri with two straws, lounging on beach chairs somewhere on the Southwest coast of Corsica, immersed in a fading Mediterranean sunset on a warm summer evening.


My girlfriend, Tiffany, made use of my email, DearDrAnswerDude@gmail.com, to send the following:

Q: Baby, I don’t love you anymore
Love, Tiff

A: Sweetie, so which is it? Am I no longer truly yours?
Yours Truly, Me.


Here at Answer Laboratories, I also received an urgent letter from a group called the YMCA, who wrote in with the following concern:

Q: Mr. Anserdud-
In case you don’t grasp the gravity of the situation, this is your final warning. Unless you settle these delinquent accounts, we will repossess your car, TV, and anything else you won’t pay off. If we don’t hear from you by next Friday, it will already be too late.

Our Regards,
The Youngstown Mountain Collection Agency

A: First of all, it’s DR. Anserdud. Second of all, the Village People were way wrong about you jerks. Maybe I shouldn’t have enrolled my son in the navy.


Finally, clearing house, my publishing company apparently, sent this obvious important message in a very fancy envelope:

Q: Congratulations! You may have won our $10 million dollar prize! Would you like to take a survey about Dish Soap?

A: Screw that! I’m a millionaire! Hey, Phil- I QUIT! SHOVE YOUR BALD HEAD IN THE TOILET AND FLUSH IT! YEAH YOU HEARD ME!
FLUSH IT PHIL!

Vancouver, here I come!


The bonus question is from our youngest reader, Yung Jong, 13, from Ottawa, who sent in the following joke:

Q: Knock Knock

A: Come in!

Check back next week for the stunning conclusion (It’s UPS).

Dr. Answer Dude writes for over 200 papers nationally. He lives with his roommate, Dave, in Scar, South Dakota.

street cred thoughts from a white boy

As a white male, aged 18 to 35, I am but a small cross-section of, quite possibly, the most influential and powerful group in America today. This group represents, along with others, the backbone of the American future. We will undoubtedly be the next world leaders, CEOs, and NASCAR drivers.

This week's article is about something of crucial importance to us, the young white adults: Street Cred. For those in the reader pool who are unaware of sweeping urban trends, Street Cred is a way of gauging how true-to-their-lyrics gangsta rappers are – if its just a show they put on, or if their lyrics are honest reflections of themselves. For example, Chris Wallace, also known as the Notorious B.I.G., who was a high-ranking crack dealer and was shot to death, has high street cred. Someone who makes Black look Pink, for example Ja Rule, has little or no street cred. Street Cred to a rapper is much like Political Capital to a politician- it is an ever-changing mark of how believable, how in-demand, how effective, and, thus, how relevant the rapper is. No one is going to listen to Paris Hilton rap about how tough it was growing up on the streets or how she’s "liable to cap a nigga." A man serving five consecutive life-sentences for murdering his grandma and stealing her food stamps, named "Clyve Da Murderah," however, is prime meat for the street cred I am talking about.

Many rappers explode on the scene with an aire of cocky thugness, rapping over crunk beats, exulting the virtues of money, hoes, and crime, and repeating their name several hundred times in each song so you won't forget how tough they are. They invariably ride this crest of stardom as high as they can until, once they gain enough notoriety, they throw the hard knock image out the window in favor of a warm fuzzy chair in front of the burning fire that is Capitalist America. (I’m a professional. Don’t try those kinds of analogies at home.) I'm talking, here, about someone like Lil' Kim, who started by rapping about cunnilingus, fucking, and murder, and who now whores herself and her image for, of all places, Old Navy and its Performance Fleeces. But she’s not alone. Here is a short list, off the top of my head, of hardass rappers who moved out of the hood and into the lame-ass commercials of pop-middle-America.

Method Man- went from saying he will “pull my fucking tongue out of my fucking mouth and stab that shit with a rusty screwdriver”, into pitching me deodorant, acting in shitty TV shows (see: Meth and Red), and crappy movies. (See also: Redman).
Xzibit- He was tough, but now he just wants to pimp my ride and sell me deodorant
Lil’ Kim- see above
The Game/Kayne West/Ludacris- Cell Phones
Ice Cube- Is he there yet??? Went from the hardest of the hard to that and other horrific family movies.
Ja Rule- formed Murder Inc., and then did gay-ass duets with Ashanti.

Also, I have received an exclusive preliminary script from a commercial featuring soon-to-be-ex-badass 50 Cent. Here is a clip from the script:
50 Cent: Yo, when my bitch’s pooty be stankin up my shit, I hit that ho with.. BAM.. Summer’s Eve. After she be douching up her nani-nani, that cooch’ll smell like fresh gardens or some lost paradise Eden shit. For real… Go poony, it’s your birthday.. no more stanking

Street Cred and where rap stands today

The once plentiful currency of Street Cred, rich in the pool of NWA, Tupac, and Biggie, has transformed into something vastly different. The gangsta rap game was one of skill, where its very expression was a way of both venting frustrations, but at the same time sharing real lives, real hardships, and the real fucked up shit people needed to do to survive, all the while trying to get out of the ghetto. Then, riding the train of profitability, rappers started making up hard-life stories to get street cred, and people eventually started turning away from it. Now, gangsta rap is at its craziest stage yet- it’s no longer about expression, about having something to say, or accurately portraying how you feel, and giving insight to a tough life that most people have no clue of- it has turned into a mad rush for record companies to sign the hardest possible MC. It’s almost reminiscent of what pop music has become- no longer a measure of talent or desire, but the quest for a pretty face and a marketable name (see- Ashlee Simpson, Hillary Duff, Lindsay Lohan, et al.), except instead of a pretty face and marketable name, it’s a rough childhood and number of bullet entry wounds. I’m sure record companies are out roaming the streets for the guys who have been shot the most. In fact, I bet rappers have to fill out the following application to even be considered for a rap label:


Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised.

With a glut of talented producers, songwriters, editors, stylists, image consultants, advertising executives, managers, as well as technology capable of making it sound like Britney Spears can sing, all record companies need to do is find the most bullet-ridden criminal they can, place him in front of a mic, and give him lyrics like:

I don’t wanna go to school and get an education
Just pass me the remote so I can change the station
I don’t need no Emancipation Proclamation
Cause I’ll fucking shoot a nigga and still own a nation

And then profit.

Rap keeps getting sadder. Do yourself a favor and pick up some MF Doom, Vaudeville Villain.

March of Champions

Congratulations!

We’ve made it through another bitter, blizzard-filled February (unless you live in some tropical paradise. Bastards). This March not only marks the beginning of spring across the Northern Hemisphere and fall in Australia, but it also marks a somber end of a particularly significant Black History Month, which celebrated the lives and losses of such recently departed visionaries as Rosa Parks, Coretta Scott King, Richard Pryor, and Luther Vandross.
But we need to move on. We need to be optimistic and look, with affirmation, towards the present. March isn’t only the beginning of a new season of rebirth, it’s also the first of 11 straight White History Months- a 337 day cascade of the important contributions from the special, brave, and triumphant White Men in history who, although the odds were stacked against them, managed to overcome a staggering lack of racial oppression to rise to the status of legends.

This month, aptly named the March of Champions, celebrates the White Men in history who took amazing initiative and showed breathtaking ingenuity in getting very good at sports. These men triumphed over amazing odds and, in the face of immeasurable adversity, managed to rise to the top of their respective games. Men like Rocky Marciano, a man who, although born white, overcame that handicap with a colorblind humbleness, becoming exceptional at punching men of all colors in the face and retired as the only undefeated champion in boxing history. But this isn’t his story.

Back in the 1910s, baseball was split between races, and everyone knew the most talented players played in what was called the “Negro Leagues.” Legends like Satchel Paige, Josh Gibson, “Cool Papa” Bell, and even Hank Aaron have set their names in the annals of history as legends whose accomplishments and talent were unsurpassed for their day and age. However a league made up of weaker and slower white players, dubbed the Cracker Leagues, tried its hardest to obtain the legitimacy they believed they deserved. They tried naming their segments the American League and the National League, to try to capture the hearts of a very jingoistic public. But many Americans found the Cracker leagues as racially insensitive. While the Negro Leagues had team names like the Grays, the ABCs (named after a brewery), and the Clowns, names that were harmless and inoffensive, the Cracker Leagues had names like the Orphans, a horribly insensitive reference for the time; the Beaneaters, a name that continued to foster the “all Bostonians eat beans and are gassy” stereotype; and, of course, the Yankees, a name that came as a slur from British troops, and was also used by the Confederacy as a slur in the Civil War (and after). But even with a well planned out PR campaign that reminded the public of the important fact that they were white, they were rocked by a gambling scandal in 1919 and the nations faith in white baseball was quickly fading.

In the mid 1910s a white boy from Baltimore named George finally made his major league debut, after dreaming for years of prevailing over his whiteness and becoming a legend. He worked his way to a small team in the Cracker Leagues and gradually starting establishing himself as a good player with good potential. Then, in a move that forever changed his career, George, in a dehumanizing and degrading fashion, was sold like a piece of meat to one of the “racially insensitive” teams, the Yankees.

George, though, didn’t let this get him down. More determined than ever, George dedicated himself to making a name, not only for himself, but also for White Baseball. He swore he would turn the name Yankee into a positive thing, adopting the franchise as his own. And then he went on to hit 714 home runs, established himself as the greatest player of all time, and, most importantly saved White Baseball, turning it not only into a viable contender, but the nation’s pastime. Most importantly, he taught us that we could transcend negative titles, names, and norms and turn even the most derogatory situation into something legendary. He is a White Hero, and a deserving flag bearing for Month One- March of Champions.

So here’s to you, Babe, wherever you are. This beer’s on me.

Breaking News: Musicians Do Drugs!

Washington D.C. –

     After a little more than a year and hundreds of millions in tax dollars, Congress has finished their new McCarthy-esque witch-hunt, answering the critical question of who, among players of the game of baseball, uses some sort of performance enhancing drug. Although this doesn’t have the flair, panache, or end-of-the-world possibilities as International Communism, and while Rafael Palmeiro, while a lying douchebag, doesn’t seem as viable a supervillain as Lenin, Congress claims that this is a major step towards eliminating steroid use among child and college athletes, or at least stemming its rising tide. But, several days ago, we learned that this wasn’t the end.
     Now that Congress has tackled and eliminated the scourge of steroids, the House Committee on Government Reform announced its next endeavor. “Too long have we sat back and watched a dangerous rising trend in drug use among teenagers and twenty-somethings,” stated Bill Warner (R-ND), the Committee’s newest member. “We have been relying too long on a corrupt and ineffective War on Drugs. We have been using only counterproductive measures like those insufferable Public Service Announcements that this age of cynical kids sees right through. We have learned from the steroid hearings that the only way to end this trend is House Committee hearings. It is with that knowledge in mind that we are pleased to announce the sequel, which will be broadcast live on C-SPAN on Thursday Nights, Primetime. This next installment, which will prove to be amazing, will try to stop the heinous and negative cataclysmic Armageddon thrust onto our children by those in the music industry, from Elvis to Jeezy. Terrorism.”
     Committee chair Tom Davis (R-VA) announced the specifics the next day- “The list of subpoenaed music celebrities forced to star include the likes of Eminem, Ozzy Osbourne, Willy Nelson, Snoop Dogg, Courtney Love, Whitney and Bobby, and Method and Red. Although we are trying to put together a similar task force as the one we formed with baseball players, the only musician we found with a clean record is Will Smith. The show, I mean hearing, will begin during May sweeps.”
     Although the tone is relatively upbeat, the committee has its detractors. Congresswoman Carolyn M. Baloney (D-NY) stated, “This witch hunt will fail in all regards. First, the public can not be so easily duped as to believe that this cavalcade of big names is anything more than an embattled ploy by the House to raise it’s dismal ratings just in time for midterm elections. Second of all, with the deficit raising several billion dollars every five seconds, we shouldn’t waste our time, money, or energy on trivial matters. I mean, Snoop Dogg’s retainer alone will cost us upwards of $250,000. And, lastly, they’ve scheduled the hearings to go against Survivor. I mean Survivor! How do they expect to get ratings or ad revenue? I hope they learn the lesson of compromise and hold the hearings on Fridays.”
     The real question on everybody’s mind, though, is how do the musicians feel? We asked several of the artists named specifically by Davis, but the only one that was still conscious was the always outspoken Eminem, who offered this response, Lessons, which will be released as a single next month:

          “Mothafuckin’ Congress wanna act like we bad
          When half these fucking hypocrites just need some rehab
          They talk the talk, but they don’t walk the walk
          And if they keep it up then they’ll be outlined in chalk
          But my question is why the obsession?
          What’s my confession really gonna do for your session?
          You think free expression’s progression leaves a bad impression
          So you push repression in your profession of oppression.
          If it’s your contention that your God forgives my transgression
          Then forget my indiscretion but what’s the lesson that you’re stressin’?
          That possession of vicodyn as a private resident
          Is more influential than our cokehead president?
          So keep it up, Waxman, eat more cheese.
          Do what you can to get your rat face on TVs.
          Everyone here sees what, inside, you really be
          And let this addict be the last bastion of liberties.”

      Henry Waxman (D-CA), referenced by Eminem, has sworn “a mixtape revenge, just as soon as the House Appropriations Committee approves funding for this recording project, and both sides of the aisle can agree on a strictly bipartisan producer and studio.”


Check back here for your exclusive coverage of this ongoing saga.

Top 5 Stories of 2005 - #1 - Katrina

#1 - Katrina

Katrina and the Waves (Boy, their faces must be RED)

Kent Brockman: “…and if you think naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist, you obviously have never seen the gals grabbing for items at a clearance sale.”
Marge: “That’s true…but he shouldn’t say it.”

- The Simpsons, “Hurricane Neddy”

2005 was a record year for meteorologists, weather buffs, major news organizations, and ministers preaching their fire and brimstone apocalypse. There were records made that took our breaths away:
- The busiest hurricane season in history, with 27 named storms, 14 hurricanes, and 7 major storms, (including 3 category fives), 4 of which hit the US. All five of these things are records.
- A hurricane that reached the pressure of 882mb (Wilma), marking the lowest ever (topping 1988’s Hurricane Gilbert). On top of that, Rita and Katrina are also in the top 6.
- Latest Tropical Storm ever (Zeta – December 31-January 6, 2006).
- Costliest single hurricane (Katrina - $80 billion+ beating Andrew’s $26.5 billion) and costliest hurricane season ($107 billion+ beating last year’s $45 billion).
- Deadliest Hurricane since 1928 (Katrina – 1200 so far..)

But, honestly, who cares about records.

For those people in its path, the record was one of devastation, misinformation, failures to act, and glaring inadequacies. There is very little funny about Katrina. I generally prefer to make jokes about all of this, but, still, the only funny thing about the situation is this guy:

Almost 1,500 dead is no joking matter. A flooded parking lot filled with school buses capable of getting people to safety isn’t funny. A woefully unqualified joke of a governor, mayor, and ex-Arabian-horse-watching FEMA head just leaves us with a sad heart, a disconcerted feeling, and a little rage.

But, as we all know, hindsight is 20/20. It is easy to know, after living through the results, decisions that should have been. It’s even simpler to point fingers and forget the tragedy in front of us. What we should be doing is looking at the school districts around the country that took students from Louisiana’s parishes, providing displaced kids and their families housing and a chance to keep their lives going. We should look at the millions of dollars raised by humanitarian aid organizations, donated by people like you and me who just wanted to do something to help.

For me, someone who is without cable TV and can’t watch the results live, I received my information from the internet, and got the minute by minute updates (as well as that previous picture) from the non-news website Fark.com. One thing that touched me in particular is the countless number of Samaritan Farkers that offered their homes to complete strangers who just happened to be in the way of the storm. They didn’t ask for anything in return, they just wanted to help a fellow human in trouble, and they gave what they could.

That, I think, is the story of Katrina. It would be hilariously easy for me to make FEMA jokes, or chastise both the local and national governments for their outstanding and inexplicably awful failure. But we can’t forget that, often times, the best of human behavior is brought out by the worst of situations. If we focus on the thousands of wrongs while ignoring the billions of little rights, we are missing out on our true nature, which, regardless of what anyone tells us, is noble, industrious, and compassionate.

And that, I think, is the main lesson to get from 2005. A lot of things went wrong. But we can’t let that make us forget about the million times more things that went right and the lessons we all learned. A wiser man than me once said, “Situations aren’t made good or bad by their outcome, but by whether or not we learn by them.” Who am I kidding? I made that up too.

Happy 2006. Let’s make it a good one.

Top 5 Stories of 2005 - #2 - Iraq

#2- Iraq

The Continuing Story of Bungling Bush – Iraq, year 3.

“It’s all about perception, to convince the American public that everything is going as planned and we’re right on schedule to be out of here. I mean, they can bullshit the American people, but they can’t bullshit us.”
- Staff Sergeant Craig Patrick (who is training the Iraqi military)

“We can’t kill them all. When I kill one, I create three [insurgents].”
- Colonel Frederick Wellman

Here are some things we learned about Iraq, as well as our involvement in the country, in the past year.

- Regardless of the fighting, disorganization, claims of fraud, guerilla terrorism, and low voter turnout, Iraq can still put together a better election than the US.
- Pissing off the Sunni insurgency with a marginalizing election and a narrowly passed Constitution that, due to a lack of a theocracy, the horrifying addition of rights for women, and a lack of strong centralization that costs the Muslim sect almost all the oil profits, is a bad idea.
- When Americans are dying, the US media doesn’t really report on the tens of thousands of Iraqis that have lost their lives both fighting for their own freedom, and innocently killed by suicide bombings.
- $9 billion in US investment over the last couple of years doesn’t mean anything if there is no security to protect the infrastructure’s reconstruction. It means even less when only five percent (5%) of money earmarked for Iraqi reconstruction by Congress has been spent (while people sleep in tents on what used to be their homes and more than fifty thousand troops still don’t have body armor)?
- That the 2,100 dead and 16,000 injured American soldiers needed more of a plan than “stay the course,” and future soldiers are due a better strategy, lest their deaths be in vein.
- America only likes war when we win. Too many steps are taken to just make it look like we are winning. I don’t know about you, but I want the news to report not entertain. I want information, not a show.
- Adorable Puppies were born! Hundreds of them! Hooray! Film at 11.
- An honest news report like the Downing Street Memo, about how the faulty information about terrorism and WMD was built around Bush’s already-made decision to go to war with Iraq, will be ignored in favor of cute, missing white women and gay marriages.
- Torture is only bad if we hear about it or the pictures leak out onto the internet.
- Buying the news and filling Iraqis with pro-America propaganda can cost us tax dollars, but can’t change the minds of Iraqis.
- In wartime, we can blow up relics and ruins from the world’s first civilization and not make waves anywhere. No one cares about the past when they’re scared about the future.
- That no matter how much of a lie something is, if you repeat it enough, people will believe it. Just ask the 47% of Americans that think Saddam helped plan 9/11, or the 44% that think the hijackers were Iraqi. While your at it, ask the people who think Iraqis want us there about the consistent 66%-80% of Iraqis polled that want the US out of Iraq sooner rather than later. And then ask Bush, who said, “See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.”
- That US influence doesn’t equal a US Constitution. Not many have heard a lot about the Iraqi Constitution itself, and many would be surprised (though not shocked) about the strict Islamic rules embedded therein (Iraqi Parliament may not make any laws that contradict the established laws of Islam. Clerics will run the judicial system. Women are oppressed legally, etc.)
- That being at war is enough of a reason to stay at war.
- Hypocrisy sells. Either you liberate someone, or you occupy them. There is no in between. Establishing freedom for someone else is establishing your freedom for them. And most Iraqis know the difference.
- George W. Bush’s legacy will forever be determined by Iraq.


Before I end this article, I just want to say I am not a Democrat. I am a registered Republican, though I don’t consider myself anything. I am just a critic, unhappy and nauseated with the way things are. I have no agenda, and I have found the world is much more pleasant that way.

Top 5 Stories of 2005 - #3 - The Supreme Court

#3 – The Supreme Court

Out with the Old, in with the New

In 2000, Democrats were on the offensive: If you vote for George W. Bush he will have the ability and the right to nominate one or two Supreme Court Justices, and that will destroy both the country and rule of law. I heard it a million times. But something miraculous happened – no one retired and no one died. We made it through a whole term without a Supreme Court change (it had actually been 11 years). Then, in 2004, I guess Democrats were too busy biting their own backs to make the point again. So, at the beginning of Bush II, the Change finally came.

The Old Guard

William Rehnquist

The definitive member of the Old Guard, Rehnquist, appointed during the Nixon Administration (though named chief justice by Reagan), served a term that was discernible in its conservatism and marked a new definition of judicial review. Legal scholars label him as one of the most important and significant Chief Justices in US History. He was noted for presiding in such landmark cases as Roe v. Wade (a ruling he tried to overturn until his death); the Bush v. Gore debacle; and, of course the legendary decision Smeltit v. Dealtit. Rehnquist died on September 3, at the age of 80.

Sandra Day O’Connor

Sandra Day O’Connor, a 1981 Reagan appointee, was the first woman ever to serve on the Supreme Court (unless you count transvestites like Taft). She went to Stanford Law School at the same time as Rehnquist, and dated him for a time. This might explain why she was always described as the perennial swing vote (though she swings way less now than in college). Her moderate conservatism often decided which way the 5-4 decisions would fall, making her one of the more critical votes of the nine. Although she announced her retirement in July, she continues to sit on the bench until her replacement is confirmed.

The New Meat

John Roberts

John Glover Roberts, Jr. was originally nominated as O’Connor’s replacement. After Rehnquist’s death, Bush nominated Roberts for Rehnquist’s position of Chief Justice instead. After months of bickering, Roberts, on the strength of his record and his showing at the confirmation hearings, was approved by the Senate by the record vote of 78-22, the clearest margin in US history (Rehnquist was only confirmed 65-33). Roberts, 50, is the youngest Chief Justice since 1801 (John Marshall – 45), and the third youngest in history. Although it is too early to either criticize or laud Roberts’ agenda, he has sworn to increase the Supreme Courts caseload, which sank by half during Rehnquist’s term.

Harriet Meirs

It makes a good punch line. Although it’s more fun to say that Harriet Meirs got Borked, she still made for a good joke of a nomination.

When I was a kid, I learned the tremendously valuable skill of the overbid. It goes a little something like this:

(Scene: A kid who wants a Game Boy Advance.)

Kid: Hey Mom and Dad, can I have an Xbox 360 for Christmas? It’s super awesome and everyone is getting one!
Parents: How much is it?
Kid: Ummm.. like 500 dollars?
Parents: Absolutely not. No possible way!
Kid: But everyone else is getting one!!
Parents: No!
Kid: Please???
Parents: No!! Just stop it now!
Kid: Fine, then can I have a Game Boy Advance? Those are only 150 bucks.
Parents: Fine!

It works every time. Ask for way more than you want. If they say yes, awesome. If not, you can still look like a compassionate and bridge-building compromiser by offering what you originally wanted anyway. I think that’s what Bush did. The fact is Meirs, who had ZERO court experience (and quickly withdrew her name from nomination), could only have been a set-up to get a more conservative, Bush-minded justice through. So…

Samuel Alito

We honestly don’t know that much about the man. We know the American Bar Association listed him as “well qualified” for the position, their top rating. We know he was Bush’s favorite choice, although his loyalty to Meirs won out (see? I told you.) There is a decently long and confusing court record regarding abortion, the first amendment, and federalism. All in all, although his record leans towards Republican issues and he, like Rehnquist, would like to overturn Roe v. Wade (though he promises never to do anything to it), he is at least a thousand times better than Meirs. And that may be all they need to confirm him. Good Luck, America. We need it.

Top 5 Stories of 2005 - #4 - The New Pope

#4 – The Pope

New Pope vs. Pope Classic

“Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it”
- Pope John Paul II (Karol Josef Wojtyla)

A Look Back

Karol Wojtyla, a Polish Cardinal, was named Pope on October 16, 1978. He served the flock of Catholics until his death on April 2, 2005 of heart failure. Lets take a look at the reign of Pope John Paul II and some of his main contributions to the world:

- The first non-Italian pope in over 450 years, ending the streak started by Pope Jean-François I who, in 1536, surrendered the Papacy over to a marauding John Calvin, who immediately handed it back, claiming that, according to predestination, he had been Pope since birth.
- The most traveled Pope in history, going a total of over a half-million miles (30 times around the earth) while visiting almost 140 countries. He is the biggest papal globetrotter since Pope “Sweetwater” Jones XI. (Also, he was the first Pope to be named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter in 2000.)
- The 3rd longest pontificate in Papal history. John Paul II lost only to St. Peter, the first pope, who, according to the bible, lived for 300 years, and, of course, Urban II who turned out to be an evil robot.
- John Paul II named more saints than all of his predecessors combined. When asked why he named so many saints, the Pope replied, “Simple- science is outpacing us. Can you possibly comprehend the amount of things we need to come up with patron saints for? I mean, who has to be the patron saint of the Chia Pet?? Religion doesn’t have the convenience of an assembly line. We just needed to lower our requirements. Soon, we may have to accept movie stars that just played saints. We’re desparate.”
- He turned the Catholic Church to the people. He did this in several ways- he opened up morning masses to the public for the first time in history; he, unlike any other Pope, made it his mission to take his message directly to the people, instead of just preaching from a dais; he was the first Pope to literally embrace women (and was known to give them kisses on the cheek) instead of having them kiss his Papal ring; and he was the first Pope to ever visit a synagogue or a mosque defying and disproving the long-standing Catholic belief that it would make his brain slowly melt.


Pope John Paul II was a very humane, caring, compassionate, and personally accessible man. He was the Pope of the People. Regardless of any jokes I made, John Paul II was an absolutely brilliant man, who lived what he preached. Growing up as a Catholic, I’m positive that, like all of us that grew up Catholic during John Paul II’s term, he helped me believe I can be a great, and still be a good, person. His loss has been and will be mourned by all of us.

A Look Ahead

“Proclaim forgiveness and reconciliation, which are the only way to achieve stable harmony.”
- Pope “Eggs” Benedict MMMth (Joseph Ratzinger)

His successor was going to have a tough act to follow, and, after four black smokes, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger white smoked his way into the title Pope “Eggs” Benedict MMMth.
To judge him now would be just making stuff up (something I, nor any serious journalist would ever do.).
So… Let’s look at Pope “Eggs” Benedict the MMMth and what exciting changes we can expect from the new Pope:


None. It’s the Catholic Church. They haven’t even changed a light bulb since the Council of Trent (1545-1563).

Top 5 Stories of 2005 - #5 - Terri Schiavo

#5 - Terri Schiavo

What We Should Have Learned

“It behooves every man who values liberty of conscience for himself to resist invasions of it in the case of others; or their case may, by change of circumstance, become his own.”
- Thomas Jefferson

     I don’t want to be crass. I really don’t. I know this is a very touchy issue, and a lot of people feel very strongly about it. But, when looking back at 2005, The Schiavo debacle was certainly one of the biggest stories, as well as one of its biggest jokes. Now, before you start writing me angry emails, let me explain- I mean that only in the sense of what the government has become.
     For those of you who were out of the country, in a cave, or, luckily, avoided the media throughout March and April, check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terri_Schiavo for all the information you would need. I don’t have enough room to sum it up myself. All in all, it was a long battle that would have made for exceptional TV if it had been a scripted episode of Law and Order. Unfortunately, it was real.
     The lessons we should have learned come from the unfortunate involvement of religious politicians, seeing a chance to look compassionate and push their dogmas.

Lesson #1- Congress feels that it is above the law and can do anything it wants, including subverting the Constitution and the doctrines of separation of powers and separation of church and state, in order to preserve its religious-based moral beliefs. The Constitution that every politician must swear to uphold states that even if Congress thinks the courts are absolutely crazy, they do not have the authority to force courts to act or review any decision. Personal interest or not, Congress egregiously overstepped its bounds when it forced the courts to “ignore previous reviews,” and make a fresh review of the case. Second, and more legalistically, the Congressional act bestowed special rights on two specific people while denying the specific rights of another, without granting the same rights to everyone. This is a major no-no according to the Constitution and goes against the idea of equal protection under the law.

Lesson #2- Politicians can and will take away your freedom of choice if they don’t agree with you. We missed a couple facts in all of this. First of all, Terri Schiavo’s husband was given legal guardianship shortly after her accident, and Terri’s parents never argued, complained, or fought him for it. Congressional action on the behalf of Terri’s parents blatantly disregarded Michael Schiavo’s personal rights as the legal guardian of Terri. Second, regardless of anything- the husband’s intentions, the parents’ intentions, why it happened, who wanted what, who believes what, and what horrifyingly ridiculous steps were taken by politicians, the courts made the decision based on one thing only- what they determined Terri Schiavo wanted based on eighteen witness testimonies. Any actions taken by the religious leadership, therefore, for the behalf of Terri’s soul were done against the behalf of Terri’s wishes. Let us not forget this could happen to any of us.

Lesson #3- Video trickery and appealing to heartstrings works. MRI results of Terri’s tragically and completely destroyed brain, as well as the autopsy report, concluded that the portion of Terri’s brain responsible for sight were gone. Also destroyed were the centers of cognizance, recognition, speech, and the ability to respond to one’s external environment. That means that the ubiquitous video of Terri following a balloon or looking at a camera or responding to her parents were bunk; a blind woman that can’t respond or think simply can not do any of these things. It turns out they were just camera edits taken from over six hours of tape. But we were duped anyway and because of that, we almost handed our rights over. We must learn that, in battles between our hearts and our minds, our minds must win if the issue is rights.

     So, in conclusion, Terri Schiavo’s situation was a very unfortunate one, made unbearable by the undue weight the religious right, as well as others, placed on it. It was a terrible exercise in semantics, where people blurred the clear distinction between killing someone and letting them die. It was a travesty in many ways, both in terms of the government’s involvement, and the public exposure of a woman who, if anyone had truly cared about personal dignity, wouldn’t have been forced to die in the public eye and on camera in her state. Lastly, “Super Best Friends,” A South Park episode from 2005 that won the Emmy for “Best Animated Program,” is a must-view for anyone who was tugged by this issue.

Check back next week for issue #4 as well as a return to comedy/satire.

2005- At least it’s finally over. A year in review.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.