March of Champions

Congratulations!

We’ve made it through another bitter, blizzard-filled February (unless you live in some tropical paradise. Bastards). This March not only marks the beginning of spring across the Northern Hemisphere and fall in Australia, but it also marks a somber end of a particularly significant Black History Month, which celebrated the lives and losses of such recently departed visionaries as Rosa Parks, Coretta Scott King, Richard Pryor, and Luther Vandross.
But we need to move on. We need to be optimistic and look, with affirmation, towards the present. March isn’t only the beginning of a new season of rebirth, it’s also the first of 11 straight White History Months- a 337 day cascade of the important contributions from the special, brave, and triumphant White Men in history who, although the odds were stacked against them, managed to overcome a staggering lack of racial oppression to rise to the status of legends.

This month, aptly named the March of Champions, celebrates the White Men in history who took amazing initiative and showed breathtaking ingenuity in getting very good at sports. These men triumphed over amazing odds and, in the face of immeasurable adversity, managed to rise to the top of their respective games. Men like Rocky Marciano, a man who, although born white, overcame that handicap with a colorblind humbleness, becoming exceptional at punching men of all colors in the face and retired as the only undefeated champion in boxing history. But this isn’t his story.

Back in the 1910s, baseball was split between races, and everyone knew the most talented players played in what was called the “Negro Leagues.” Legends like Satchel Paige, Josh Gibson, “Cool Papa” Bell, and even Hank Aaron have set their names in the annals of history as legends whose accomplishments and talent were unsurpassed for their day and age. However a league made up of weaker and slower white players, dubbed the Cracker Leagues, tried its hardest to obtain the legitimacy they believed they deserved. They tried naming their segments the American League and the National League, to try to capture the hearts of a very jingoistic public. But many Americans found the Cracker leagues as racially insensitive. While the Negro Leagues had team names like the Grays, the ABCs (named after a brewery), and the Clowns, names that were harmless and inoffensive, the Cracker Leagues had names like the Orphans, a horribly insensitive reference for the time; the Beaneaters, a name that continued to foster the “all Bostonians eat beans and are gassy” stereotype; and, of course, the Yankees, a name that came as a slur from British troops, and was also used by the Confederacy as a slur in the Civil War (and after). But even with a well planned out PR campaign that reminded the public of the important fact that they were white, they were rocked by a gambling scandal in 1919 and the nations faith in white baseball was quickly fading.

In the mid 1910s a white boy from Baltimore named George finally made his major league debut, after dreaming for years of prevailing over his whiteness and becoming a legend. He worked his way to a small team in the Cracker Leagues and gradually starting establishing himself as a good player with good potential. Then, in a move that forever changed his career, George, in a dehumanizing and degrading fashion, was sold like a piece of meat to one of the “racially insensitive” teams, the Yankees.

George, though, didn’t let this get him down. More determined than ever, George dedicated himself to making a name, not only for himself, but also for White Baseball. He swore he would turn the name Yankee into a positive thing, adopting the franchise as his own. And then he went on to hit 714 home runs, established himself as the greatest player of all time, and, most importantly saved White Baseball, turning it not only into a viable contender, but the nation’s pastime. Most importantly, he taught us that we could transcend negative titles, names, and norms and turn even the most derogatory situation into something legendary. He is a White Hero, and a deserving flag bearing for Month One- March of Champions.

So here’s to you, Babe, wherever you are. This beer’s on me.

Breaking News: Musicians Do Drugs!

Washington D.C. –

     After a little more than a year and hundreds of millions in tax dollars, Congress has finished their new McCarthy-esque witch-hunt, answering the critical question of who, among players of the game of baseball, uses some sort of performance enhancing drug. Although this doesn’t have the flair, panache, or end-of-the-world possibilities as International Communism, and while Rafael Palmeiro, while a lying douchebag, doesn’t seem as viable a supervillain as Lenin, Congress claims that this is a major step towards eliminating steroid use among child and college athletes, or at least stemming its rising tide. But, several days ago, we learned that this wasn’t the end.
     Now that Congress has tackled and eliminated the scourge of steroids, the House Committee on Government Reform announced its next endeavor. “Too long have we sat back and watched a dangerous rising trend in drug use among teenagers and twenty-somethings,” stated Bill Warner (R-ND), the Committee’s newest member. “We have been relying too long on a corrupt and ineffective War on Drugs. We have been using only counterproductive measures like those insufferable Public Service Announcements that this age of cynical kids sees right through. We have learned from the steroid hearings that the only way to end this trend is House Committee hearings. It is with that knowledge in mind that we are pleased to announce the sequel, which will be broadcast live on C-SPAN on Thursday Nights, Primetime. This next installment, which will prove to be amazing, will try to stop the heinous and negative cataclysmic Armageddon thrust onto our children by those in the music industry, from Elvis to Jeezy. Terrorism.”
     Committee chair Tom Davis (R-VA) announced the specifics the next day- “The list of subpoenaed music celebrities forced to star include the likes of Eminem, Ozzy Osbourne, Willy Nelson, Snoop Dogg, Courtney Love, Whitney and Bobby, and Method and Red. Although we are trying to put together a similar task force as the one we formed with baseball players, the only musician we found with a clean record is Will Smith. The show, I mean hearing, will begin during May sweeps.”
     Although the tone is relatively upbeat, the committee has its detractors. Congresswoman Carolyn M. Baloney (D-NY) stated, “This witch hunt will fail in all regards. First, the public can not be so easily duped as to believe that this cavalcade of big names is anything more than an embattled ploy by the House to raise it’s dismal ratings just in time for midterm elections. Second of all, with the deficit raising several billion dollars every five seconds, we shouldn’t waste our time, money, or energy on trivial matters. I mean, Snoop Dogg’s retainer alone will cost us upwards of $250,000. And, lastly, they’ve scheduled the hearings to go against Survivor. I mean Survivor! How do they expect to get ratings or ad revenue? I hope they learn the lesson of compromise and hold the hearings on Fridays.”
     The real question on everybody’s mind, though, is how do the musicians feel? We asked several of the artists named specifically by Davis, but the only one that was still conscious was the always outspoken Eminem, who offered this response, Lessons, which will be released as a single next month:

          “Mothafuckin’ Congress wanna act like we bad
          When half these fucking hypocrites just need some rehab
          They talk the talk, but they don’t walk the walk
          And if they keep it up then they’ll be outlined in chalk
          But my question is why the obsession?
          What’s my confession really gonna do for your session?
          You think free expression’s progression leaves a bad impression
          So you push repression in your profession of oppression.
          If it’s your contention that your God forgives my transgression
          Then forget my indiscretion but what’s the lesson that you’re stressin’?
          That possession of vicodyn as a private resident
          Is more influential than our cokehead president?
          So keep it up, Waxman, eat more cheese.
          Do what you can to get your rat face on TVs.
          Everyone here sees what, inside, you really be
          And let this addict be the last bastion of liberties.”

      Henry Waxman (D-CA), referenced by Eminem, has sworn “a mixtape revenge, just as soon as the House Appropriations Committee approves funding for this recording project, and both sides of the aisle can agree on a strictly bipartisan producer and studio.”


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