Top 5 Stories of 2005 - #4 - The New Pope

#4 – The Pope

New Pope vs. Pope Classic

“Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it”
- Pope John Paul II (Karol Josef Wojtyla)

A Look Back

Karol Wojtyla, a Polish Cardinal, was named Pope on October 16, 1978. He served the flock of Catholics until his death on April 2, 2005 of heart failure. Lets take a look at the reign of Pope John Paul II and some of his main contributions to the world:

- The first non-Italian pope in over 450 years, ending the streak started by Pope Jean-François I who, in 1536, surrendered the Papacy over to a marauding John Calvin, who immediately handed it back, claiming that, according to predestination, he had been Pope since birth.
- The most traveled Pope in history, going a total of over a half-million miles (30 times around the earth) while visiting almost 140 countries. He is the biggest papal globetrotter since Pope “Sweetwater” Jones XI. (Also, he was the first Pope to be named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter in 2000.)
- The 3rd longest pontificate in Papal history. John Paul II lost only to St. Peter, the first pope, who, according to the bible, lived for 300 years, and, of course, Urban II who turned out to be an evil robot.
- John Paul II named more saints than all of his predecessors combined. When asked why he named so many saints, the Pope replied, “Simple- science is outpacing us. Can you possibly comprehend the amount of things we need to come up with patron saints for? I mean, who has to be the patron saint of the Chia Pet?? Religion doesn’t have the convenience of an assembly line. We just needed to lower our requirements. Soon, we may have to accept movie stars that just played saints. We’re desparate.”
- He turned the Catholic Church to the people. He did this in several ways- he opened up morning masses to the public for the first time in history; he, unlike any other Pope, made it his mission to take his message directly to the people, instead of just preaching from a dais; he was the first Pope to literally embrace women (and was known to give them kisses on the cheek) instead of having them kiss his Papal ring; and he was the first Pope to ever visit a synagogue or a mosque defying and disproving the long-standing Catholic belief that it would make his brain slowly melt.


Pope John Paul II was a very humane, caring, compassionate, and personally accessible man. He was the Pope of the People. Regardless of any jokes I made, John Paul II was an absolutely brilliant man, who lived what he preached. Growing up as a Catholic, I’m positive that, like all of us that grew up Catholic during John Paul II’s term, he helped me believe I can be a great, and still be a good, person. His loss has been and will be mourned by all of us.

A Look Ahead

“Proclaim forgiveness and reconciliation, which are the only way to achieve stable harmony.”
- Pope “Eggs” Benedict MMMth (Joseph Ratzinger)

His successor was going to have a tough act to follow, and, after four black smokes, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger white smoked his way into the title Pope “Eggs” Benedict MMMth.
To judge him now would be just making stuff up (something I, nor any serious journalist would ever do.).
So… Let’s look at Pope “Eggs” Benedict the MMMth and what exciting changes we can expect from the new Pope:


None. It’s the Catholic Church. They haven’t even changed a light bulb since the Council of Trent (1545-1563).