Breaking News: Musicians Do Drugs!

Washington D.C. –

     After a little more than a year and hundreds of millions in tax dollars, Congress has finished their new McCarthy-esque witch-hunt, answering the critical question of who, among players of the game of baseball, uses some sort of performance enhancing drug. Although this doesn’t have the flair, panache, or end-of-the-world possibilities as International Communism, and while Rafael Palmeiro, while a lying douchebag, doesn’t seem as viable a supervillain as Lenin, Congress claims that this is a major step towards eliminating steroid use among child and college athletes, or at least stemming its rising tide. But, several days ago, we learned that this wasn’t the end.
     Now that Congress has tackled and eliminated the scourge of steroids, the House Committee on Government Reform announced its next endeavor. “Too long have we sat back and watched a dangerous rising trend in drug use among teenagers and twenty-somethings,” stated Bill Warner (R-ND), the Committee’s newest member. “We have been relying too long on a corrupt and ineffective War on Drugs. We have been using only counterproductive measures like those insufferable Public Service Announcements that this age of cynical kids sees right through. We have learned from the steroid hearings that the only way to end this trend is House Committee hearings. It is with that knowledge in mind that we are pleased to announce the sequel, which will be broadcast live on C-SPAN on Thursday Nights, Primetime. This next installment, which will prove to be amazing, will try to stop the heinous and negative cataclysmic Armageddon thrust onto our children by those in the music industry, from Elvis to Jeezy. Terrorism.”
     Committee chair Tom Davis (R-VA) announced the specifics the next day- “The list of subpoenaed music celebrities forced to star include the likes of Eminem, Ozzy Osbourne, Willy Nelson, Snoop Dogg, Courtney Love, Whitney and Bobby, and Method and Red. Although we are trying to put together a similar task force as the one we formed with baseball players, the only musician we found with a clean record is Will Smith. The show, I mean hearing, will begin during May sweeps.”
     Although the tone is relatively upbeat, the committee has its detractors. Congresswoman Carolyn M. Baloney (D-NY) stated, “This witch hunt will fail in all regards. First, the public can not be so easily duped as to believe that this cavalcade of big names is anything more than an embattled ploy by the House to raise it’s dismal ratings just in time for midterm elections. Second of all, with the deficit raising several billion dollars every five seconds, we shouldn’t waste our time, money, or energy on trivial matters. I mean, Snoop Dogg’s retainer alone will cost us upwards of $250,000. And, lastly, they’ve scheduled the hearings to go against Survivor. I mean Survivor! How do they expect to get ratings or ad revenue? I hope they learn the lesson of compromise and hold the hearings on Fridays.”
     The real question on everybody’s mind, though, is how do the musicians feel? We asked several of the artists named specifically by Davis, but the only one that was still conscious was the always outspoken Eminem, who offered this response, Lessons, which will be released as a single next month:

          “Mothafuckin’ Congress wanna act like we bad
          When half these fucking hypocrites just need some rehab
          They talk the talk, but they don’t walk the walk
          And if they keep it up then they’ll be outlined in chalk
          But my question is why the obsession?
          What’s my confession really gonna do for your session?
          You think free expression’s progression leaves a bad impression
          So you push repression in your profession of oppression.
          If it’s your contention that your God forgives my transgression
          Then forget my indiscretion but what’s the lesson that you’re stressin’?
          That possession of vicodyn as a private resident
          Is more influential than our cokehead president?
          So keep it up, Waxman, eat more cheese.
          Do what you can to get your rat face on TVs.
          Everyone here sees what, inside, you really be
          And let this addict be the last bastion of liberties.”

      Henry Waxman (D-CA), referenced by Eminem, has sworn “a mixtape revenge, just as soon as the House Appropriations Committee approves funding for this recording project, and both sides of the aisle can agree on a strictly bipartisan producer and studio.”


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