Ask Dr. Answer Dude

The bipolar bear felt a little under the weather this week, and needed to recharge his bearterries, so, as a fill in, we’ve taken the most recent article from nationally syndicated and Pulitzer Prize nominated columnist, Dr. Answer Dude. I hope you guys like this; it cost us 500 dollars for syndication rights. I told him it was a bad idea, but anyway, enough of me going on. Without further ado, this week’s Ask Dr. Answer Dude.

Hello out there, loyal readership. I am back with yet another installment of Ask Dr. Answer Dude, the only article in the world that takes every letter from my P.O. Box and private email address, and answers them no matter what! My lawyers have informed me, however, that, due to last week's “exorcise demons with battery acid” fiasco, I am currently wanted in 13 states. They have advised me to leave the country as soon as possible, and to give up on this terrible, pointless mess of a career. But if the “eat a bucket of paint to cure herpes” debacle and the “how to commit insurance fraud” bungle won't stop me, neither will 27 dead and 56 injured. So let's dive right in!

First up is a letter from loyal reader Pamela Strapp from Spokane, WA. Pamela writes:

Q: Dear Dr. Answer Dude,

I think you’ll find that your warning from last month “step on no pets” is a palindrome.

Love,
Pam

A: Well done! So is “Tuna nut!” (optional French version “I’m a tuna nut, ami!”)


Surprisingly, I also received two letters from unrelated plumbers named Frank out of Cedar Rapids, IA, reading the Cedar Rapids Chronicle-Review. Both men wrote:

Q: Dr. Answer Dude-

Hi! My Name is Frank!!
-Frank

A: Hey, Fellas!


Our close friend, Captain Tim, from a country estate in French British Columbia, sent me this gem:

Q: Qu'obtenez-vous quand un ours?
Épuisez Le Yaourt!

A: Ha ha ha! What!??! Is that British or Columbian? I’m sorry, dude, I don’t speak either.


Just today I received a letter from our colleague, Don, who just so happens to be my roommate.

Q: Dude,
Rent is due tomorrow. You still owe me, plus last month. I need 1200 by tomorrow afternoon.
Dave

A: Bro, I mailed your check out last Thursday! But if you really want, I’ll go down to the bank and cancel the check for like 20 bucks, get a new check certified for like 10 bucks, go down to the post office and have it overnighted for another 10 bucks… or how about I just give you your cat back and we call it even?


By far the most interesting submission this week was from a Mr. Landsend who, with a large photo album of his family and friends, sent in the following query:

Q: When out strolling by a tree-lined lake on a crisp autumn evening, wouldn’t you prefer a shoe that makes you feel light and effervescent like a bubbling Chardonnay? If so, our Subarctic Siberian-tested Weathertektm Boots [sizes 2-13 (mens), 1-14EE (womens)] will fit you like our fresh leather glove with lamb fur interior (page 43).

A: That is both fantastic and beautiful, like you and your significant other drinking one daiquiri with two straws, lounging on beach chairs somewhere on the Southwest coast of Corsica, immersed in a fading Mediterranean sunset on a warm summer evening.


My girlfriend, Tiffany, made use of my email, DearDrAnswerDude@gmail.com, to send the following:

Q: Baby, I don’t love you anymore
Love, Tiff

A: Sweetie, so which is it? Am I no longer truly yours?
Yours Truly, Me.


Here at Answer Laboratories, I also received an urgent letter from a group called the YMCA, who wrote in with the following concern:

Q: Mr. Anserdud-
In case you don’t grasp the gravity of the situation, this is your final warning. Unless you settle these delinquent accounts, we will repossess your car, TV, and anything else you won’t pay off. If we don’t hear from you by next Friday, it will already be too late.

Our Regards,
The Youngstown Mountain Collection Agency

A: First of all, it’s DR. Anserdud. Second of all, the Village People were way wrong about you jerks. Maybe I shouldn’t have enrolled my son in the navy.


Finally, clearing house, my publishing company apparently, sent this obvious important message in a very fancy envelope:

Q: Congratulations! You may have won our $10 million dollar prize! Would you like to take a survey about Dish Soap?

A: Screw that! I’m a millionaire! Hey, Phil- I QUIT! SHOVE YOUR BALD HEAD IN THE TOILET AND FLUSH IT! YEAH YOU HEARD ME!
FLUSH IT PHIL!

Vancouver, here I come!


The bonus question is from our youngest reader, Yung Jong, 13, from Ottawa, who sent in the following joke:

Q: Knock Knock

A: Come in!

Check back next week for the stunning conclusion (It’s UPS).

Dr. Answer Dude writes for over 200 papers nationally. He lives with his roommate, Dave, in Scar, South Dakota.